Tigers Topple Tripple Threat

The Detroit Tigers baseball team has floundered in mediocrity for years. They have sucked the big one to put it bluntly. Only the most diehard of Tigers fans still show support for this sad excuse for a baseball team. it has been rumored that even Magnum P.I. himself has switched from the 'D' logo fitted baseball cap that he has worn his whole television existence for a straw 'Panama Jack' style sun hat. You know the ones with the hat band made out of a strip of cheap "hawaiian shirt" like material.

That was until just last week when in a single baseball game on a Tuesday night with sub par attendence they beat the Yankees, thwarted a major terrorist attack, which would have been the first on U.S. soil since 911, AND killed the notorius gopher that plagued Bill Murray all those years ago in Caddyshack.

It was the bottom of the 9th with most of 3,008 fans in attendance already heading for the parking lot. It was 2 outs, no one on base and manager Allen Trammell inserts Nook Logan into the line-up. Nook over the last few weeks had been relegated to a late-inning defensive insertion at center and situational pinch-runner, due to a slew of injuries.

With Nook at bat the Tigers faced almost certain defeat with noone on base, the yankees ahead by 1, 2 outs and the pitch count in the pitchers favor with 1 ball and 2 strikes. But then with one swing the world and the course of history changed forever. Nook swung on a pitch that was low and inside but somehow connected with the ball as he stood at the left side of the plate. The ball a careening knuckle ball with alot of back spin sailed so high most everyone thought it was a high pop fly and easy catchbut suddenly they realized it was rocketing toward the outfield. Up up and away it flew; and to the few remaining fans, the two teams and even the drowsy commentators surprise it left the park. Tieing the game and sending it into extra innings. In which the Tigers won in the bottom of the tenth when DH Dimitri Young drove in Placido Polanco with a two run shot over the right field wall just inside the foul pole.

But here is where the baseball game ends and the real story, the rest of the story begins. The ball that Nook hit out of the park traveled so far that it landed in Grand Circus Park where the gopher from Caddy Shack had moved for retirement. This is wear the balls tragic trajectory ended when with a powerful thud and minimal blood splatter it beaned gopher right in the temple as he stood on his gopher mound merely taking in the night air and strecthing his sore old gopher bones from a long day of sleeping underground. At this time the Detriot police and the District Attorneys office said they doubted highly the Mr. Nook Logan would be charged in the death. "It appears to be nothing more than a freakish accident at the end of a freakishly powerful homerun," said a spokesperson from the office of Kim L. Worthy, Wayne County Prosecutor.

However in the investigation into the death of the gopher the Detroit Medical Examiner discovered among gophers personal effects bomb making equipement and schematics and city planning blueprints. This lead to an investigation by the Wayne County Sheriffs Department, who brought in the FBI and who inturn brought in Homeland Security and CIA joint terrorism task forces. The investigation that is still ongoing has hitherto uncovered a mutliple cell terrorist plot to use gophers, moles, and possible sewer rats to carry small but powerful loads of explosives throughout the subways, sewer and drainage systems of Americas major cities. These creatures can gain access to highly secure areas and even burrow under seemingly impenatrable edifices upon which time al-Queda terrorists would be set to detonate these bombs from a safe distance using tracking devices and remote detonators.

In a rare statement against terrorist action PETA has issued a statement to the press and media outlets worldwide denouncing "al-Queda action that harms, mistreats, or uses small, cute, defenseless animals to promote its agenda of fear. Bad al-Queda! Bad al-Queda!" The investigation thus far is still ongoing and the task force is tight lipped about specifics at this juncture. But what we do know up to this point is that with one seemingly insignificant night, one oddly hit home run by Detriot's Nook Logan helped the Tigers Topple Triple Threat of Yankees, Gophers and al-Queda.

Reported by Michael L. McMinn, freelance journalist and gastrointestinal stalwart, reporting on vacation from Lake Titicaca, Moho, Peru, South America. (I was recently challanged to write a story with this title. Having the journalistic integrity that I do; I could only pen something I knew to be true. Oh, yes I said pen, you heard me correctly the first time.)